Sunday, April 5, 2009

Columbus Lions Rape Mariners, Win 82-19

The Baltimore Mariners hit a new low Saturday night, loosing to the Columbus Lions by 63 points. The loss is the second in a row for the Mariners, who dropped to 2-2.

"I've never seen such a shitty football team in my whole life," remarked Lions defensive back Ramone Nickerson. "It was like playing a bunch of retards with icy-hot down their pants."

The Lions improved to 3-1, but team owner Keith Norred does not consider it to be a game.

"I hate these guaranteed wins. How could anyone possibly take the AIFA seriously as long as the Mariners are in the league?"

The Lions took an early 36-2 lead. Things got worse for the Mariners when head coach Chris Simpson striped naked, and started doing a tribal rain dance at midfield.

"I thought it would pump the team up," said a confused Simpson. "I was wrong."

The Lions never looked back, literally, and walked away with a win. Seven hours after the conclusion of the game, Ramone Nickerson still continued to rant.

"My cousin is autistic. My mother is autistic. My dog is autistic. My garden hose is autistic. They have their own football team.
We scrimmaged them last week and only beat them 70-24."

The Mariners next game is April 18th against the Reading Express. Tickets are on sale, but please be advised Simpson still has not located his pants, and will continue his dances until the Mariners win.

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