Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Identity Theft

The Seattle Mariners have gone through dips and dives in their 44-years in the MLB. In 1995, the Mariners made the American League Championship Series for the first time in their history. In 1996, the Mariners had one of the most formidable offensive lineups seen in the past few years, with upcoming superstars such as pre-injury prone Ken Griffey Jr. and pre-steroid Alex Rodriguez, as well as veterans like Jay Buhner, Brett Boone, and the ever-consistent DH, Edgar Martinez, but could not advance into the playoffs, due to lack of pitching. In 2001, with the acquisition of Japanese superstar Ichiro Suzuki, the team won an American League record, 116 games. Their last winning season was in 2007. And then came Baltimore…

In 2008, the Seattle Mariners had high hopes. But I knew otherwise. There was devilry going on here. In Batlimore, a new franchise was being set up for the AIFA, and they were going to be called the Baltimore Mariners. It blows my fucking mind how RUDE this was. Stealing money is one thing….stealing a team name is just plain insulting. 2008 will always go down in history as the year the Mariners were fucked over by the Mariners. The Seattle version of the Mariners (aka the better version) dropped 27 games from their previous season. They had one of the worst offenses in the league, and had the second worst record in baseball, to the lowly Washington Nationals.

The Baltimore Mariners headed into their PRECIOUS opening game with high hopes to be a great franchise in the AIFA. Now I’ve never been a man who believes in that thing called fate or that other dumb shit called car-muh, but…this is a pretty big coincidence. With two teams having to share the SAME name (I cannot get over how absurd this is), it’s obvious that neither of the teams could do well. So with the better version of the Mariners losing, the shitty version (aka the Baltimore Mariners) also sucked. They won an astounding total of four games out of fourteen. The 2008 roster was also plagued with terrible players. They had one quarterback named Dixie Wooten…having a former porn start on your team is just a bad idea. Their main wide receiver’s name? Richard Johnson…his name translates into Dick Penis. Are you fucking joking me? This man was obviously a mistake. They also had a Jew on their team. EVERYONE knows Jews can’t play football; they just stick to following baseball, and honoring Sandy Koufax every Friday night.


The Baltimore Mariners are fucked up for many reasons. They are in the lowest form of “professional” football, they stole the name AND logo of the Seattle Mariners, and they have a dick penis, a porn star, and a Jew on their team. I’m not sure who thought starting this team was a good idea, but when I find out…the result will not be pretty.

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