Sunday, April 19, 2009

Mariners Win, Southeast Baltimore Resident Stabbed

Shortly after the Mariners cheated and beat the Reading Express 40-36, a murder was reported in the greater Baltimore region, according to the Baltimore Sun.

"City police said they were investigating the fatal stabbing of a man about 2:40 a.m. at Clinton Street and Fairmount Avenue in Southeast Baltimore."

This happened only a mere five hours after the Mariners beat the Express. After the game Express fan RaShaun Furgeson expressed (get it?) his anger.

"How the fuck do you expect the Express to win after the Mariners take out throwing knives, and kill seven of our best players? It's impossible!"

RaShaun indeed spoke the truth. Shortly into the first quarter, the Mariners attacked the Express, including several small children in the audience. AIFA owner John Morris apologized for the incident.

"We're going to have to reevaluate the rule book. Right now throwing knives only merit a fifteen yard penalty, and a loss of down. There is no penalty for killing children."

After that, the Express were without both quarterbacks, but still managed to only loose by four.
As word spread to Baltimore, riots all over the city ensued, one of led to the fatal stabbing.

"This happens every time the Mariners win," commented Chief of Police James Johnson. "This city cannot stand to have anymore public money spent on building the Mariners that 1.5 billion dollar, 80,000 seat stadium. They only draw a few hundred fans a game."

The victims family understands the tough economic times, and is prepared to pardon the stabber.

"Next time, he shouldn't stab my son," said the victim's father. "I'm lucky I have seven more."

A plethora of sons however was not enough to prevent the father from taking out his anger on the Mariners.

"Who are the Mariners? What the hell is indoor football?"

The Mariners next game is on April 24, at home against the Florence Phantoms. In response the Mariners controversial win, the AIFA rule book has been changed to ban throwing knives, as well as swords, switchblades, and well-sharpened pencils. The Mariners are currently looking into purchasing firearms.

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