Monday, April 27, 2009

COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR SILENCED BY STD

Baltimore Mariners Lose Ability to Communicate Due to Syphilis Outbreak
***A Post by Mr. X***

If I had to create a list of things Baltimore is famous for, The Inner Harbor would rank third, steamed Chesapeake Blue Crabs would rank second, and the headliner would have to be that pesky sexually transmitted disease known as Syphilis. The dreaded disease hit especially close to home for the Baltimore Mariners of the American Indoor Football Association (AIFA). For those who are unfamiliar with the AIFA, which according to the attendance records of the Baltimore Mariners, are more than ninety percent of the Greater Baltimore area, it is a fourteen team professional indoor football league, and is regarded as the lowest rung of professional sports. Don’t believe me? More people in the Baltimore area have watched curling in the winter Olympic Games than have seen a Baltimore Mariners game. That is an impressive feat, seeing as the winter Olympic Games are only on once every four years. That’s right folks. A game involving stones and brooms is more entertaining than indoor football in the city of Baltimore.

The Baltimore Mariners have recently lost one of their own, when Dave Harrington, the communications director for the fledging AIFA franchise was forced into early retirement by an outbreak of that ol’ Baltimore burn. “It was a most difficult decision to make” Said Harrington. “I enjoyed my time with the team, but I found it difficult to perform my job while suffering from penile discharge and painful urination.” He added. And painful urination it was. Head Coach Chris Simpson reports that on several occasions, he would hear Harrington weeping in the men’s restroom. “It was bad at times. Dave would walk into the bathroom to pee, where after a few seconds in there, the entire floor would hear his caterwauling. He sounded a lot like Yoko Ono. It was scary and impressive at the same time.”

“I tried to make a go of it. I tried to work through the pain of a dripping penis, but honestly, I simply do not have what it takes. I feel like I have let so many people down; people within the organization, the players, and all the fans of Baltimore Mariners football. I feel like I owe all forty of them a great big apology” said Harrington. When asked about how he contracted the disease, he said “It could be from various places; most notably public toilet seats, or eating under-cooked beef, or certain brands of hand lotions, or I suppose it could come from banging hookers without using a bag. Really, it could have been from virtually anywhere.”

It is not clear when the Baltimore Mariners will backfill the vacancy left by Harrington, or who will fill the position. One thing is certain though; if the Mariners want to stop the revolving door of personnel, they need to perform better screening procedures on prospective staff. This team can not afford to be made to look like a bunch of disease riddled sexual deviants. Oops. Too Late.

-Mr. X

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Why Baltimore (Doesn't) Need Indoor Football

As I begin to dig deeper into the long and storied history of the Mariners, I stumbled up an article titled "Why Baltimore Needs Indoor Football." It was a fascinating read, but factually inaccurate.

The Article explains that Baltimore needs indoor football because the city needs "Exciting, fast paced, high scoring, hard-hitting professional football." No, what Baltimore needs is a stable economy and a homicide rate that isn't second in the nation

Next, the article goes on to say that the players, if you can call them that, are our hometown heroes, our weekend warriors. I think they need to redefine what it means to be a hero. Examples:
Hero:
Not a Hero:












Hero:
Not a Hero:












And finally, the article wraps up by saying these are the guys you followed from Pop Warner. I dunno bout ya'll, but I personally do not nor will I ever will follow strangers playing Pop Warner football. If these are the fans who follow the Mariners, I don't think I would bring my child to a game.

The Mariner's next game is Friday, April 24 against the Florence Phantoms. Free Trenchcoats and sungless will be given to the first 1,500 fans in attendance. And at halftime, all children in attendance are invited to play in the special "Mariner Fun Cave," a clothing-optional, interactive play area. Candy will be provided.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Mariners Win, Southeast Baltimore Resident Stabbed

Shortly after the Mariners cheated and beat the Reading Express 40-36, a murder was reported in the greater Baltimore region, according to the Baltimore Sun.

"City police said they were investigating the fatal stabbing of a man about 2:40 a.m. at Clinton Street and Fairmount Avenue in Southeast Baltimore."

This happened only a mere five hours after the Mariners beat the Express. After the game Express fan RaShaun Furgeson expressed (get it?) his anger.

"How the fuck do you expect the Express to win after the Mariners take out throwing knives, and kill seven of our best players? It's impossible!"

RaShaun indeed spoke the truth. Shortly into the first quarter, the Mariners attacked the Express, including several small children in the audience. AIFA owner John Morris apologized for the incident.

"We're going to have to reevaluate the rule book. Right now throwing knives only merit a fifteen yard penalty, and a loss of down. There is no penalty for killing children."

After that, the Express were without both quarterbacks, but still managed to only loose by four.
As word spread to Baltimore, riots all over the city ensued, one of led to the fatal stabbing.

"This happens every time the Mariners win," commented Chief of Police James Johnson. "This city cannot stand to have anymore public money spent on building the Mariners that 1.5 billion dollar, 80,000 seat stadium. They only draw a few hundred fans a game."

The victims family understands the tough economic times, and is prepared to pardon the stabber.

"Next time, he shouldn't stab my son," said the victim's father. "I'm lucky I have seven more."

A plethora of sons however was not enough to prevent the father from taking out his anger on the Mariners.

"Who are the Mariners? What the hell is indoor football?"

The Mariners next game is on April 24, at home against the Florence Phantoms. In response the Mariners controversial win, the AIFA rule book has been changed to ban throwing knives, as well as swords, switchblades, and well-sharpened pencils. The Mariners are currently looking into purchasing firearms.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Identity Theft

The Seattle Mariners have gone through dips and dives in their 44-years in the MLB. In 1995, the Mariners made the American League Championship Series for the first time in their history. In 1996, the Mariners had one of the most formidable offensive lineups seen in the past few years, with upcoming superstars such as pre-injury prone Ken Griffey Jr. and pre-steroid Alex Rodriguez, as well as veterans like Jay Buhner, Brett Boone, and the ever-consistent DH, Edgar Martinez, but could not advance into the playoffs, due to lack of pitching. In 2001, with the acquisition of Japanese superstar Ichiro Suzuki, the team won an American League record, 116 games. Their last winning season was in 2007. And then came Baltimore…

In 2008, the Seattle Mariners had high hopes. But I knew otherwise. There was devilry going on here. In Batlimore, a new franchise was being set up for the AIFA, and they were going to be called the Baltimore Mariners. It blows my fucking mind how RUDE this was. Stealing money is one thing….stealing a team name is just plain insulting. 2008 will always go down in history as the year the Mariners were fucked over by the Mariners. The Seattle version of the Mariners (aka the better version) dropped 27 games from their previous season. They had one of the worst offenses in the league, and had the second worst record in baseball, to the lowly Washington Nationals.

The Baltimore Mariners headed into their PRECIOUS opening game with high hopes to be a great franchise in the AIFA. Now I’ve never been a man who believes in that thing called fate or that other dumb shit called car-muh, but…this is a pretty big coincidence. With two teams having to share the SAME name (I cannot get over how absurd this is), it’s obvious that neither of the teams could do well. So with the better version of the Mariners losing, the shitty version (aka the Baltimore Mariners) also sucked. They won an astounding total of four games out of fourteen. The 2008 roster was also plagued with terrible players. They had one quarterback named Dixie Wooten…having a former porn start on your team is just a bad idea. Their main wide receiver’s name? Richard Johnson…his name translates into Dick Penis. Are you fucking joking me? This man was obviously a mistake. They also had a Jew on their team. EVERYONE knows Jews can’t play football; they just stick to following baseball, and honoring Sandy Koufax every Friday night.


The Baltimore Mariners are fucked up for many reasons. They are in the lowest form of “professional” football, they stole the name AND logo of the Seattle Mariners, and they have a dick penis, a porn star, and a Jew on their team. I’m not sure who thought starting this team was a good idea, but when I find out…the result will not be pretty.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Introducing Jesse G!

For those of you who follow my other blog, Zeld..In..Da..House!, you know that sometimes I do not update as often as I should. This is because as a scholar and poet, I often find it hard to come up with such art on a regular basis. That's why I'm bringin' in Jesse, as an official Baltimore insider.

Jesse, a scholar and poet from Goucher College, will be reporting first hand on the continued deterioration of the fine city of Baltimore since the formation of the Mariners.

A child prodigy, Jesse was born and raised in Guadeloupe, Columbia. Abandoned as a boy, Jesse had to grow up on his own, and at the age of four was already horing himself out for tacos. As his taco supply grew many, he learned the secrets of the taco, and stared making his own. 74 locations later, Jesse had become a millionaire.

With his wealth and power, Jesse left Columbia to start an epic voyage through the sea. After playing Yellow Submarine on the boat sound system 307 consecutive times, his crew turned hostile, and threw him into the water.

After swimming for days, Jesse landed on a deserted island, which coincidentally was filled with people. Although he vowed never to resort to prostitution again, Jesse was forced into the dangerous lifestyle. He pimped out numerous women, and later became a drug lord as well. However the drug he was dealing was tylenol, and it cured many sicknesses. He was proclaimed a hero, and left the island a rich man once more.

Jesse decided it was not safe to go back to Columbia, and settled in Jerusalem. One day his best friend told him a secret, to which he replied "I must Tel Aviv!". The joke was so bad, that by order of the Prime Minister, he and his children and his children's children were banned from ever coming within 2000 miles of the State of Israel, leaving out any possibility of going to Qatar.

Still rich, Jesse was going to retire in Miami, Florida. But then he heard about the Baltimore Mariners, and grew angry. He noticed the economy had dropped steadily since the Mariners formation in 2007, and unemployment had tripled. Knowing he could not just sit there and watch as the Mariners took the charm out of Charm City, Jesse decided to pursue a degree in Journalism from Goucher College, and somehow, against all odds, try to find a way to bring down the empire that is the Baltimore Mariners.

With that I hnad the next post off to Jesse. May his vast knowledge and life experiences make this blog the greatest of all time. And who knows, maybe for the right price he will show you what he did on the streets of Guadeloupe when he was only four.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Columbus Lions Rape Mariners, Win 82-19

The Baltimore Mariners hit a new low Saturday night, loosing to the Columbus Lions by 63 points. The loss is the second in a row for the Mariners, who dropped to 2-2.

"I've never seen such a shitty football team in my whole life," remarked Lions defensive back Ramone Nickerson. "It was like playing a bunch of retards with icy-hot down their pants."

The Lions improved to 3-1, but team owner Keith Norred does not consider it to be a game.

"I hate these guaranteed wins. How could anyone possibly take the AIFA seriously as long as the Mariners are in the league?"

The Lions took an early 36-2 lead. Things got worse for the Mariners when head coach Chris Simpson striped naked, and started doing a tribal rain dance at midfield.

"I thought it would pump the team up," said a confused Simpson. "I was wrong."

The Lions never looked back, literally, and walked away with a win. Seven hours after the conclusion of the game, Ramone Nickerson still continued to rant.

"My cousin is autistic. My mother is autistic. My dog is autistic. My garden hose is autistic. They have their own football team.
We scrimmaged them last week and only beat them 70-24."

The Mariners next game is April 18th against the Reading Express. Tickets are on sale, but please be advised Simpson still has not located his pants, and will continue his dances until the Mariners win.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Who Are The Mariners? And Why Do I Hate Them?

For those of you who don't know, the Baltimore Mariners are a team in the American Indoor Football Association. What the hell is that you ask? It's the lowest level of pro football in the United States. And one of the worst teams in that league is the Mariners. Last year they finished an abysmal 4-10 in their inaugural season, and now they're back to continue to suck it up. But the reason I hate them the most? Well there are two. The first is I am a diehard fan of the DC Armor, Washington's expansion franchise and arch-rival of the Mariners. The second is because of their shitty-ass fanclub, the Mariner Maniacs, but we'll get into that later.

The Baltimore Mariners play at First Mariner Arena in downtown Baltimore. The arena was named first, after First Mariner bank. This team is so shitty, that they actually named themselves after the arena they play in. The DC Armor would never do such a thing. They named themselves after the DC Armory, the arena they just happen to play in. It's a complete coincidence.

But let's get onto the Mariner Maniacs. Taking a look at their website, their homepage boasts the message "The Maniacs are very proud to announce that the Executive Board members are all in place and they are all geared up and are ready for some FOOTBALL!" Firstly I've never seen the word "are" used four times in a sentence. Also, the capitalization of the word football is completely unnecessary.

The second sentence reads, "Stay tuned for some upcoming news from our President, Mr. Ed as we being the "2009" season and it promises to be a good one. " Hang on a sec. Their president is named Mr. Ed? That's not a last name. And I don't know his first name, but I bet it's Eugene. And also, why is 2009 in quotes?

The last sentence reads, "If you thought the "2008" season was something, you ain't seen nothing yet!" Firstly I don't think anyone thought it was something. It was actually the exact "definition" of "nothing."

Now, I really want to know what the Mariner Maniacs discuss at these meetings. Whether it's possible to spend their time following a less relevant team?

Now take a look at them in action:









Whooaa! That only reminds me of one thing!









Only two times in history have such important topics been addressed!

Now, some of you may remember I had a brief fascination with a similar team called the Chesapeake Tide of the Continental Indoor Football League. I want to say that one, it was an obsession. And two, the Tide were VERY relevant. The 200 Upper Marlborians in attendance on a regular basis really didn't have much excitement in their life, and the Tide took them out of that world of heartbreak and broken dreams.

So in conclusion, Eugene Ed should really find something more worthy to do in his spare time. And as for the Mariners, I can't wait to see them get destroyed by the DC Armor on May 30, June 6, and June 27. Until then, stay posted for more news on the worst team in the history o professional sport.