Friday, May 29, 2009

A Quarterback Showdown!

It is the last day before the big game, and often times the winners are determined by the quarterbacks. Just like when Tom Brady plays Peyton Manning, or Steve Young played Troy Aikman, this is sure to be a shootout. EJ Nemeth will be under-center for the Mariners, and Terry Chisley will be taking the righns for the Armor.

A product of Sacred Heart University, Nemeth has played in the world of indoor football for a number of years. In 2008 he split time in the Intense Football League (yes, that was actually a real league) between the Alaska Wild and the San Angelo Stampede Express. He was cut from the SASE mid way through the season, and signed with the Wild, where he helped lead them to a 5-9 season, which was good enough to be second worst in the league. He was cut immediately after the season.

Terry Chisley's past is unknown. It appears as if he never played college football, and if he did it is not recorded anywhere on the Internet. However, he may or may not have once been an exotic dancer, who performed under the name Silk. Whereas Nemeth was learning how the be a terrible quarterback in Alaska, Chisley was learning vital footwork and and how to move around in the backfield. It also appears Chisley played tennis at one point.

Finally, the Mariner Maniacs have updated their Facebook group for the big game. The news section reads "Next Home Game May30at 7pm vs D.C. Armour. Come on Baltimmore (sic) help the Baltimore Mariners TAKE YOUR RESPECT." It seems as if coherent sentences still baffle the Mariner Maniacs. Firstly, Armor is spelled wrong. Armor can be spelled with a 'u', if you live in England, but the DC Armor spell their names the American way, cause last I checked, they were based in America. Secondly, they spelled Baltimore wrong. Thirdly, TAKE YOUR RESPECT doesn't make sense. Since they failed to include a period, take your respect in this context applies to the Mariners stripping the residents of Baltimore of their own self respect. So essentially, they are asking the people of Baltimore to watch the game so they can suffer physiological damage.

I hope you Mariner fans have had as much fun reading this over the past two months as I have had writing it. On behalf of myself, Jesse, and Mr. X, we wish you good luck in coping with tomorrow's loss. If there's one thing Terry Chisley knows, it's how to put on a good show.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Redskins-Ravens, Nationals-Orioles, ARMOR-MARINERS

It is only three days until the big game, and that means a new battle of the beltways. But unlike the Nationals-Orioles rivalry, which is primarily about television rights, this is about pride. Which is the better city? DC or Baltimore? Well obviously DC, but which city is better at indoor football? That is the big question nobody's minds.

Instead, the fine citizens of Baltimore are outraged at the city's leash laws. According the the Baltimore Sun, citizens of Baltimore are upset "at the recent jump in fines for dogs caught off-leash - from $100 to $1,000." Citizens took the the streets in protest, and "After a hearing [in front of the city council] that lasted more than three hours, drew about 50 people and was dominated by those who wanted the fine lowered, the council's legislative committee voted to change the leash law's $1,000 fine to a staggered penalty system. " We can now rank the Mariners on Baltimore resident's priority list:

1. The Ravens
2. The Orioles
3. The Inner Harbor
4. Blue Crabs
5. Pollution Plants
6. Prostitution
7. Cocaine
8. The Recession
9. 99 cent/cash-checked stores
10. The Blast (indoor soccer)
11. Dog Leashes
12. The Mariners

Expect them to fall even lower this weekend in what is sure to be the biggest blowout of the season. Go Armor!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

More Identify Theft

The Mariners' name is not the only thing that was stolen. Their lack of originality and criminal tendencies continue to manifest themselves in their selection of jerseys. Some consider them to be one of the best in the AIFA. Well, yeah, they are the best if you are a fan of flinching!

Don't believe me. Take a look for yourself:









That's right. The St. Louis Rams are the next victim of the Mariners reckless disregard for the law.

What confuses me however, is why the Mariners would choose to steal from two of worst franchises in pro sport over the past two seasons. In 2008, The Rams went 2-12 and the Mariners went 61-101. However, many of those losses can be attributed to the respected teams suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

Even more confusing, is that in the NFL and MLB there are so many teams with great histories. Why would they choose from two of the worst? Why not be the Baltimore Yankees, and have jerseys that look like the Patriots? Picking the Rams and the Mariners is the equivalent of breaking into a Wal-Mart, and stealing a waffle-maker and a grocery bag.

The Armor on the other hand have very stylish uniforms, which are 100% original.

The black goes so well, with, umm, the black. Furthermore, the Armor pay homage to the original days of football, when there were no names on the back of the jerseys, and the players had to share helmets.

So in conclusion, the Mariners suck and the Armor is great. It's only four days till kickoff, but who knows what else the Mariners will steal? Maybe they'll steal the Armor's ingenious business model of charging 20 dollars a ticket, and playing in a venue without air conditioning or clean bathrooms. Or maybe they'll just find another way to finish in the cellar of the division and miss out on a chance to play in the prestigious AIFA Bowl.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Countdown to Mariners Vs Armor: Five Days!

So the year's biggest moment in sports is nearly upon us. No, I'm not talking about the NBA or Stanley Cup Finals, nor am I talking about the Royals' 49th game of the season. This weekend Baltimore sports fans will be thinking about one thing: Ravens season is only three months away. But for the Mariner Maniacs, myself, and the seven other fans of the AIFA, we are counting down the days to the first ever meeting between the DC Armor and the Baltimore Mariners, or as I like to call it, "The Battle of the Irrelevants."

As many of you know, writing often times can be difficult. To come up with words so poetic on a regular basis is a task only few can achieve. That's why for inspiration I looked to the Baltimore Sun and the Washington Post to see what they were saying about the game. Sadly I found nothing. Apparently they devote space to real news.

However, in the small small world of the AIFA, this is the biggest thing to happen since the announcement of a expansion team in Trenton, NJ. A new rivalry will be formed between two cities both rich in history and beauty (well, at least one is). Abraham Lincoln once said "The best way to defeat an enemy is to make him your friend." But with all due respect to Lincoln, there is a better way. Beat them in a game of hard hitting, fast-paced, family friendly, indoor football.

Everyday until the big game, I will be previewing a different element of this historic match up, as no other media source is. The game might be played in Baltimore, but the home field advantage will be with the Armor. We're coming for you Mariners, and don't think any one of your numerous fan clubs can stop us.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Update on the Mariner Maniacs

Well, it seems as if the Mariner Maniacs have once again changed their home page, in an attempt to recruit more members. Here's what they're advertising:

"For the low low price of $25 (annual dues), you will be part of the Mariner Maniacs Fan Club. The only Mariner fan club recognized by the Team.

"
What!? The only fan club? That's impossible to believe! You're telling me of all the Marnier fan clubs in the world, they only recognize one? That's really not fair to the many nonexistent fan clubs out there. I mean, it's not their fault they follow relevant teams. Also, I'm glad they specified that the $25 dollars were for annual dues, I thought they were simply going to stick paste on it, and use it to make a paper mache elephant.

"You will receive a window decal to show your membership off and show you are a top supporter of the Baltimore Mariners Team."

That's exactly what I wanted! Now, all my friends can ask me "Who are the Mariners?" Then when I respond, I can watch as they do one of three things: roll their eyes, raise an eyebrow, or simply laugh and walk away. It'll be just like high school all over again! But hey, it'll go well with my ASSMAN license plate.

"You will be first in line for specials such as road trips to away games and more."

I'm sure there's a HUGE line to travel to Florence, SC to watch the Mariners take on the Phantoms. By the looks of this picture, it seems tickets are impossible to get!


"You will receive the hottest t-shirt in the Arena. The Mariner Maniacs Shirt."

Again, thank you for specifying. I was guessing that I would be receiving this shirt in the mail:

Sadly I was mistaken.

"You will have access to any special parties thrown by the club."

Now, I dunno if I could handle any party thrown by the Mariner Manicas. I mean I do go to Playboy's number one party school in the nation, but those just don't compare to the Mariner
Maniacs. Here are a few snapshots taken by Mr. X:












Now, if they paid me, maybe I would consider maybe joining. MAYBE. But for $25 dollars, here's a few things I would rather do:

Buy 25 boxes of orange Tic-Tacs
Buy ointment for my toe...not because I have an infection, but to prevent one
Donate it to Hamas
Let Bernie Madoff invest it
Buy Eliot Spitzer a hooker, who gives it all up for $10.76
Use it to study parrot fossils
Stick paste on it, and use it to make a paper mache elephant
Go to a Seattle Mariners Game
buy a pound of honey , bathe in it, then go to a bee farm
buy 1/100 of a cello

So I don't think I will join the Mariner Maniacs any time soon. My loyalty is still with the DC Armor, even if it means I can't take trips to places like Fayatteville, NC and Greenville, SC. Instead, I might just go take a tour of the Capitol Bulding or buy front row tickets on May 30th, when the Armor kick the Mariners' asses back to the seven seas.