Monday, July 6, 2009

Mariners Lose! Mariners Lose!

Pop the champagne! The Baltimore Mariners have been eliminated from postseason contention after a 50-20 loss last Thursday against the Reading Express (the same Reading Express team that only beat the DC Armor by 16). With the loss, the city of Baltimore, and the United States as a whole, can start to rebuild.

"The Mariners postseason run had a disastrous effect all over the world," said President Barack Obama. "Through perseverance and dedication, we can start to put politics aside and work together to make the world a better place."

Arizona Senator John McCain agreed. "I have spent years reaching across the aisle and would love to work with President Obama to stop this disaster. I may be a maverick, but one thing that will never changed is my hatred of the Baltimore Mariners."

Morale was at an all time low across the world before Thursday. In Iran, protesters filled the streets and riots caused many deaths of innocent civilians. And if it couldn't get any worse, Honduras experienced it's first coup d'├ętat since 1955.

But this was no match for the effects felt in the United States. Outside Neverland-Ranch in Santa Barbara County, California, thousands of mourners gathered to share the pain the felt at the Mariners success. In addition, all OxyClean ads were pulled from the airwaves, and the Discovery Channel original series "Pitchmen" was abruptly cancelled.

But with the Mariners loss, Americans everywhere started to rebuild. On Saturday July 4, fireworks were launched across the country in celebration and a concert was held on the National Mall with stars such as Aretha Franklin performing. It appears as if the Mariners will be back for 2010, but until then, we can celebrate, and maybe, just maybe, watch some real football in September.